I have a strong impression that there have been numerous occasions in my life when I have had this sense of direction that has led me to believe that I require or at the very least want to give therapy a go, but I have not yet done so. When it comes to sorting out my life and my inner emotions, I've continued to either lead myself or find advice from others. Alternatively, I've avoided those problems by using drugs and other tactics, just like I did when I was a young teenager. We're luckily past that phase, I am however still in favor of asking people for advice or trying to figure it out on my own.

Most of my childhood was spent avoiding any form of problems with drugs, which isn't great to admit, but I also won't lie to you. I won't go into details, but it wasn't great. A lot of my teen years were spent hanging out at a park and avoiding what hurt and drinking or doing other substances. I don't think it was till I got sober that I really confronted my emotions head-on, yet at that point, I felt more mentally exhausted than anything.

Perhaps I use my blog as a substitute for actual therapy, but I doubt it. I write because I like it and because I know it's good for me, but I don't consider it a substitute for professional help. Although most of the thoughts in these blog entries seem unrelated at first glance, I do find that publishing them helps me get some clarity. Putting it all together must be a challenge for you.

I guess what I've been working at for years now is repairing my brain, some months I do great, and others can easily be replicated to those negative patterns.

When I was much younger, I felt like I was the person that could give others advice, I had friends who came to me back in school and often would ask for advice or at least my opinion. Maybe I am just a good listener in that sense. It felt like I could give good advice, and those friends seemed to take it positively. Yet, I don't know that; maybe I just told myself that.

What I mean is that it seems like I don't have access to guidance like that anymore. I don't think it's natural to get more emotionally confused as you age. While it may be true that with age comes wisdom and an increased grasp of the world around you, I've found the reverse to be true when it comes to my own feelings. One's mind can develop, but it's tough to kick the bad habits that crop up without warning.

I started this blog post last night at around 12am, and I am now finishing it in the morning today while drinking coffee and rendering this piece that I guess sparked this whole blog post idea. It feels good to project more of myself into my art, and maybe it will be a good reminder to myself to actually give therapy a try one day.

I think what also sparked this blog post is I saw Jonah Hill interview his therapist, and I thought it was really cool. I still need to finish it though. It's titled "Stutz" on Netflix, was really good so far.

Because conversing with the cosmic therapist in the Phettavere is likely to differ from conversing with a genuine therapist; after all, how could a real therapist be all-knowing and construct anything from scratch, am I right?

Anyways, happy Thursday, and I hope everyone has been doing well. I am feeling a bit better myself.